Purrfect Pitch Accounting

Blog

  • Mailbag: Is a Kitchen Counter Sprint a Business Trip?

    A client wishes to remain anonymous but has identified himself by mentioning his tail twice. He asks whether a sprint from the sofa to the kitchen counter, a distance of 11 feet, can be claimed as business mileage.

    The standard rate is 67 cents a mile. Your trip, at 0.002 of a mile, yields a claim of one tenth of a cent. We admire your thoroughness but the paperwork costs more than the claim.

    However, if you perform the sprint 40 times a day and keep a log, the annual total reaches 29 miles and $19.43. We will process it on the condition that the log does not contain a single entry reading Zoomies.

  • Case Study: The Three Cat Household and the Shared Litter Tray

    Three cats in Unit 4B shared one litter tray and no accounting. Over fourteen months a dispute arose over who had bought the last bag of clumping gravel, a matter of $11.49 and considerable strain.

    We reviewed the household’s cash flow and found that the tray had been funded unevenly: Biscuit 60 percent, Noodle 30 percent, and Clementine 10 percent, with Clementine using the tray 55 percent of the time.

    We proposed a usage based cost split and a quarterly settlement. Clementine objected. She left the meeting early, which we have recorded as acceptance of the principle and a rejection of the amount.

  • Receipts: A Guide to Keeping Them Where You Can Find Them

    There are three acceptable places for a receipt: a folder, a drawer, or a scanner. There is one unacceptable place, and it is under the radiator, where it has been since the Tuesday you were sure you had put it in the drawer.

    If a receipt has been chewed, it remains valid provided the printed total can be read. If it has been sat upon, it is valid but warm, which we note on the file.

    For clients who cannot locate any documents, we offer a Reconstruction Service at $120 an hour. We walk the house with you, retrieve what we can, and gently explain which of the items in the bed were never receipts.

  • Back to School: Filing Status for the Kitten Years

    As kittens leave the nest and set up their own baskets, their filing status needs attention. A cat under 12 months who earns less than $400 a year in purring is generally still a dependant of the household.

    Once the kitten takes a job, even a casual one such as lap warmer to a retired schoolteacher, the status changes. They may file as single, provided they are not still sleeping in the old basket and eating from the old bowl.

    Many young cats resist this. They describe it as moving out in spirit. Gerald replies that the Revenue Service does not recognise spirit and asks to see the lease.

  • Year to Date: A Sober Assessment of Midnight Spending

    Our aggregated client data shows that 38 percent of annual treat expenditure occurs between 11 at night and 3 in the morning. The remaining 62 percent is spread across the day and includes the breakfast cry.

    This is a behavioural pattern, not a financial one, but it has consequences. Midnight treats cost on average 22 percent more than daytime treats because they are purchased in a hurry, from the nearest tin, and sometimes on the human’s card.

    We recommend a hard cap of $6 a week for nocturnal spending, enforced by placing the treat jar in a cupboard with a latch. You will open the latch. But you will do it slowly, and in that time you will be reminded of us.

  • Our Fee Schedule, Plainly Stated

    Many firms hide their fees. We prefer to hide our feelings, which are even more expensive.

    • Basic return, one cat, no dependants: $85
    • Household return, three cats and a human: $210
    • Treat budget review, per quarter: $40
    • Audit representation, per hour of Gerald sitting still: $95
    • Letter of apology to a neighbour, drafted: $30

    All fees are quoted before work begins and are never revised upward after a client has fallen asleep on the engagement letter. Payment is accepted by cheque, transfer, or minnows. We do not accept promises. Cats who have promised to pay us before are listed on a wall we do not discuss.

  • Mailbag: My Human Says I Owe Money for the Window Ledge

    Dear Gerald, my human claims I owe rent for the window ledge because I spend nine hours a day on it. Is this lawful?

    It is not, Mr. Fluff. Rent requires a lease, and a lease requires a signature. We have examined your paw print on the form your human produced and it is, on inspection, a smudge of yoghurt.

    That said, we advise against a hostile position. Offer a counter proposal: you will provide pest control services, valued at four moths a month, in exchange for occupancy. The human will accept it because the human has already counted the moths.

  • Depreciation Explained With a Scratching Post

    A new scratching post costs $64. After one year, you will agree it looks smaller. After two years, it leans. After three years, it is a pole with a strong opinion and a trailing thread.

    This is depreciation: the gradual loss of value as an asset is used up. We spread the cost evenly across the useful life, which for a sisal post we set at five years. That is $12.80 each year, or about 3.5 cents a day.

    You may notice that you are using the post more than the schedule predicts. This is called accelerated depreciation. It is permitted, but it does require you to stop looking so pleased about it.

  • Staff Spotlight: Dumpling, Chief of Reception

    Visitors often ask what Dumpling does. The answer, after careful observation, is that she greets every client with a long unblinking stare, assesses the quality of their coat and decides whether they are the sort who will be asked to wait.

    Dumpling’s hours are 9 to 5 with a one hour lunch that has, in practice, lasted four years. She has never taken a message, but she has never lost one either, because she has never accepted one.

    In the last financial year she processed 0 invoices, rejected 3 envelopes and personally escorted one auditor out of the building by sitting in front of the door. We have chosen to regard this as a success.

  • A Brief History of the Stolen Sock Economy

    Between 2019 and 2025, the informal market in household socks grew by an estimated 340 percent. No official statistic tracks it, so we commissioned our own: a survey of 52 cats, 49 of whom admitted to having a sock hidden somewhere.

    The average hoard held 6.3 socks with a total street value of $11.80. Wool socks traded at a premium. Ankle socks were treated as a commodity with little differentiation.

    The market remains unregulated. We do not recommend that any client declare sock income, as the Revenue Service has not asked. We do recommend a modest reserve in case it begins to.